Many women have a pattern of having sex too soon with a man they just met or went on a few dates.
They know and feel is too soon as they don’t really know the guy, but they feel this intense sexual attraction and chemistry with them.
And sometimes they confuse that with him being the right man or their one true love.
But what usually happens is after sex those men start being too “busy” to meet them, say they are not looking for anything serious, or just plain ghost them.
So in this article we’ll dive deep into what this really is and how to stop this pattern.
What Is This Intense Sexual Attraction so Early On?
This intense sexual attraction and chemistry so early when you meet a new man IS a red flag.
It doesn’t mean he is the love of your life, it simply means something in him (his energy) which is familiar to you has activated your nervous system.
If you are someone who has a feminine wound and seeks external attention as a form of validation and are also a people pleaser, this activated nervous system will become VERY activated by his attention and his attraction to you.
Finally someone gives you the attention and validation you have been seeking that you didn’t have from your parents early on.
This is a trauma bonding.
It doesn’t come from love or a real healthy connection. It comes from wounds who are still open and trauma patterns you keep repeating.
Some women repeat them without being conscious of them. It’s basically their subconscious who runs the show.
So they desperately want to give themselves to this man in order to have that validation and to heal that open wound.
What happens though is that those men are also wounded.
Those men also have trauma patterns and open wounds from their own childhood. They are seeking that same attention and validation though sex.
Many of them are emotionally unavailable and don’t know how to connect beyond sex or don’t even want to.
They cannot give the emotional connection and security those women desperately need.
The Pattern Keeps Repeating
So what happens is very often after sex these men cease the attention. They stop calling, they stop interacting, they stop going on dates, they stop giving the breadcrumbs. Either completely or they come and go as they please.
This behaviour also continues to activate the woman’s nervous system, because it emulates the patterns she had from her parents (either from her mother, father, or both).
It also confirms her wound that she doesn’t deserve love, she has no value, etc.
So she becomes insecure and either starts chasing the man for what he can’t give her, or she let go but will repeat the pattern and the cycle again with a new man.
Just a note here: of course it can happen that a man and a woman meet, have sex too early but it actually turns out into a healthy and happy relationship.
But this an exception and it usually happens between two people who are emotionally available. The connection is quickly but also on an emotional level too. It doesn’t bring hot and cold behaviours or activates your nervous system negatively. But someone needs to be healed in order to experience this.
How To Heal This Pattern Once and For All
If you find yourself in this trauma bonding relationships and the cycle keeps repeating, you can change that here and now:
Awareness
The first way to heal this wound and this cycle is to to be aware of it.
By reading this article, you are now aware of what this intense sexual attraction is when it happens so soon after meeting a man, and why you cannot rest until you have sex with them.
So that is the first step. Knowing it is your subconscious wounds running the show and why.
Healing Your Inner Child and Developing Self-Esteem
The next step is you starting to give to yourself all that you have been seeking in men.
So the attention, validation, the feeling valued, you need to give all that to yourself and to your inner child.
Behind every woman’s nervous system activated there is an inner girl screaming for attention.
Instead of relying on a stranger to give that to you, you need to address it.
This means sitting with your unconfortable emotions. Feeling the lack of attention, the lack of love, that you feel from your parents and start giving it to you by listening to yourself, valuing yourself, loving yourself.
The first way to start is by listening to your body. To how your body feels with someone and in a certain situation.
How is your nervous system? Is it activated and restless or is it calm and peaceful?
You need to commit to yourself to see an activated nervous system as a red alert to run away from that person.
And you need to start addressing your real needs. What do you really want? A man who is present when he feels like, or a man who is always there for you?
So you need to always be there for you too and stop auto-sabotaging yourself.
Know how a healthy relationship feels like
If you never had a healthy relationship and your parents also didn’t have one, it can be difficult to know what a happy and healthy relationship feels like.
The first way to start is as we mentioned before, start by listening to your body.
A healthy and happy and secure relationship doesn’t activate your nervous system. On the contrary, it makes it calm and peaceful.
In a healthy relationship you do not:
– Feel like you have to rush everything otherwise you’ll lose the guy
– Look at the phone every 5 minutes to see if a message appears from him
– Check his social media to see what he has been up to because you don’t hear from him
– Listen to BS excuses like being “too busy”, “too scared to commit” or “want to go with the flow”
– Feel like you are not seen, heard or valued
– Feel like you have to earn their love or make them see your worth
– Have to be the one in masculine energy pursuing them, calling, initiating
– Need to have sex too soon to get attention, validation and love
– Feel your nervous system activated by the idea of losing their love and attention anytime and so you walk on eggshells
In fact in a healthy relationship is all the opposite:
– You feel he really likes you and takes his time to know you without rushing you into anything
– He communicates with you in a regular and consistent way. If he is busy he lets you know and doesn’t just disappear.
– You feel seen, heard and valued
– You feel like everything is easy and simple and flows effortlessly
– You can rest in your feminine energy because he takes the lead, iniciantes and plans
– Your nervous system is calm and peaceful and you feel secure
How To Date Properly
In order to end this cycle and pattern once and for all, you need to realise that your vagina, your womb and your sexuality are sacred.
And they are a part of you as a whole.
So a man who wants to enter into that sacredness he has to see, hear, value the whole of you. Not just a small part of who you are.
And for that to happen, you need to date in your feminine energy. This means:
– Leaning back and let men do the pursuing, initiating and planning
– Observing a man’s behaviour: what he says and does
– Check if they are consistent and if they are respectful (to you and others)
– Watch if their actions match their words
– Check their intentions for dating: are they looking for something serious, to something casual or they don’t even know what they want?
– Be your radiant and vulnerable self
Being vulnerable means communicating who you are, what you want and what you feel. At the early stages of dating.
Very often a woman who is dating from her wound, she holds back on saying out loud what she wants and feels because she is scared of losing the guy and his attention.
A feminine healed woman on the other hand, is afraid of nothing. She has herself.
So she communicates in a vulnerable and open way to men.
What that does is repel the men who are wounded and just want to take advantage of you, and attract mature and healthy masculine men, who are ready for something serious.
– Hold off sex until you form an emotional bond
Women who are emotionally open release the hormone oxytocin during sex. This hormone makes you feel a bond and emotionally connected with the man you had sex with. Even if he is not the right man for you.
Men do not release enough of this hormone during sex so they do not feel bonded.
So a smart and healed woman holds off from having sex until she knows the man well enough and an emotional bond has been formed.
Not only to see if that man is deserving of her intimacy, but also to vet him properly and see how he is and if there is something more serious developing.
iAlso, a man’s testosterone levels are very high in the early stages of dating, but as he gets to know a woman and starts to emotionally connect with her, his testosterone levels go down and he doesn’t mind to wait to have sex because he is in it for the long haul.
A man who is there just for instant gratification, he won’t stay to create that emotional connection with you. And he’ll often push to have sex.
So take your time to get to know a man. A man shouldn’t push for sex early on and activate your nervous system in a negative way. He might try to have sex, but he won’t push it if he is serious because he doesn’t want to scare you away.
A man who keeps pushing and activates your nervous system is an Instant NO and GOODBYE.
Remember, you are deserving of having a healthy and happy relationship with a wonderful man who makes you feel secure and seen, but you need to feel secure with yourself first.
