By: Jessica Labesehr
It’s 6:00 AM. I’ve been battling a coughing fit thanks to my feline friend. Yes, I love our cat, but his presence in my life often comes at the cost of my own breathing.
My partner has already slipped out of the house for his morning coffee. Next door, his daughter is peacefully asleep. Dishes are piling up in the kitchen after last night’s family dinner.
Now, let me be clear: I considered children, but decided they weren’t for me.
I cherish my freedom, my solitude, the simplicity of my life. Being a favourite aunt to my nephew seemed fulfilling enough.
Then, I met my partner.
Leading me down an unexpected path as I’m growing deeply in love with a man who came with not one, but a few children, even though they don’t live with us.
My own mother, bless her heart, navigated a similar path years ago when she married my step father with four children. Their marriage? Didn’t last.
But surely, we’ll do better than our parents, right?
While I’m no stranger to blended families – having experienced the profound influence of my step-sister who introduced me to yoga and a deep quest for meaning at the age of 16 when travelling to India — stepping into the role of a stepmom was a whole new territory.
If you’re new to step motherhood and a blended family, welcome!
Here are some of my discoveries.
1. Resentment is Real (and Normal)
Sharing your partner’s love with children inevitably brings unexpected challenges. As a woman who craves quality time with her chosen man, I sometimes struggle to feel seen and prioritized when the children are around.
This isn’t about being a needy or unreasonable person. It’s a natural human response. Sharing love requires a shift in perspective and a willingness to navigate those sometimes challenging emotions.
Rest assured, it’s apparently really normal to feel the occasional resentment.
It comes with the territory.
2. Feeling Like an Outsider is Okay
I often wonder: What would it be like if these children were ‘ours’?
What if we all shared those same memories of van trips and cat rescues?
As my partner shares the top 20 most adorable childhood photos of his children, I get reminded that there is a timeline that I will never share with them. And a depth of love that maybe only a birth mother can feel?
Those shared memories, the inside jokes, the effortless flow of conversation in their native tongue – it’s a world I’m still learning to navigate.
And in that world, sometimes, I feel like an alien.
3. Brutal Honesty is Key
My partner was upfront with me from the get-go. He acknowledged the complexities of his life and the potential challenges that lay ahead. “No one can hack this. It’s also why I’ve chosen to remain single…” he explained.
Solid reasons to walk away right there and then. But somehow, maybe naively so, I felt that I needed to give this a chance. Because when you meet someone special, you can’t just walk away.
Whenever I share uncomfortable feelings with my partner, I remember why I love him.
He listens. He understands. He acts.
I feel heard. We tackle misunderstandings and challenges together. As a team.
And that, my dear stepmom, makes ALL the difference.
I couldn’t do it any other way.
This open communication has been missing from my mother and stepfather’s marriage. In my humble opinion.
And, unfortunately, my mother has consistently sacrificed her own well-being, creating an all too common programming for us daughters.
4. Prioritize Your Own Needs, Guilt-Free
The morning after that sleepless night, with dishes piling up and my stepdaughter asleep next door, I realized that I needed to prioritize myself.
I packed my work gear and escaped to a friend’s apartment, because I wasn’t in a space to be a good host, sorting breakfast or the dishes. I needed to catch up on a ton of work, best done in solitude.
No one had asked me to scramble eggs, but it’s ingrained and trained in us, especially as women, to be accommodating and caring.
But I know better. I texted my partner that I’ll be out for the day.
No drama. No expectations. Again, communication is key.
One doesn’t always have a spare key to a friend’s apartment (thanks Stephanie!), but if you’re new to figuring out what it means to be a stepmom, I believe it’s helpful to remember to prioritise your own needs, whether that means leaving the house to focus on work, having a sauna, an early night or dinner with friends.
I support my partner.
And, I learn to sustain healthy boundaries.
I return refreshed, without resentment, and ready to grow my relationship with my new blended family.
5. Building Relationships Takes Time
Imagine being told, “This is your new child. Care for that child and love them like they’re your own. Love them unconditionally.”
It’s a daunting proposition.
What if you don’t like that child?
I got lucky! Thankfully, I genuinely like my partner’s children. We hit it off pretty instantly and I really respect them. They’ve been incredibly sweet and it’s been a breeze getting to know them. I heard they like me too, so that helps.
Research suggests that it can take up to 7 years to build a solid relationship with your step children.
It’s a journey, not a label or mountain top.
A journey in which my appreciation for these humans is steadily growing.
Whether as a stepmom, a friend or simply someone who values them deeply.
6. Modeling Authenticity is Paramount
I have to assume that the children might read this one day, so I’m tempted to sweeten my words, tweak the angle.
But I’m not writing this for them. I’m writing this for you, new stepmom, who is figuring out the complexities of all her feelings.
And, I remind myself:
If these children were mine, I’d want them to know that it’s okay to feel all kinds of feelings. Unapologetically.
I’d want them to know that it’s okay to love people and need a break from them from time to time.
I’d want them to know that even though it can get challenging (especially on birthdays and christmas’) with many mothers and fathers and half-siblings, and aunties and uncles whose names you hardly remember, a blended family is a diverse quilt of relationships, mindsets and personalities.
This blend can make us more flexible and widen our horizons. Just like the early exposure to ancient Indian culture widened my outlook on life at 16 thanks to my step sister.
I’d want them to know that they get to write their own rules about life, success, love, family and fulfillment.
Your step children observe. They observe what you eat. How you work. How you own your needs, deal with conflict, love their father (or mother). And whether you’re being yourself.
The best thing we can do is to be our most authentic Self.
Whether that Self is tired or sad or hungry or needs a moment.
7. Remember, you Chose This Family
A blended family is also called a Bonus Family.
We don’t have much choice when it comes to our birth family.
With our bonus family, we do.
It takes courage to care for children that aren’t yours by nature.
Thanks to my chosen family, I’m given an opportunity to feel and love in new and unexpected ways, without being possessive or exclusive; to embrace the complexities of a blended family while finding joy in the unexpected.
Social Scientist, Digital Experience Designer, Transition Coach and Founder of 2° Turn®, Jessica Labesehr has always felt most at home on the threshold: the space between the physical and spiritual, between science and mysticism.
Having taken many turns herself, Jess supports women to move 2° degrees into the direction they most crave to go, in life and business through her Wise Woman’s Way retreats and masterclasses.
Yoga has been an integral part of Jess’ life from the age of 16, having spent many years living in ashrams across India, Australia and New Zealand.
